(This was my own comedy look at the SNP election victory first published on Farcebook Notes on 7th May 2011)
‘Wa-hay! Ya fuckin’ dancer!’ says Salmond
Alex Salmond was quietly celebrating yesterday as Scotland elected it’s first majority Government in Holyrood. Across Caledonia, long time held Labour strongholds fell to the Scottish Nationalists, as Lib Dem and Tory voters deserted the ‘North of the Border Evil Empire’ in retaliation for the savage spending cuts brought on by a financial crisis they had no part in creating.
A humble Alex Salmond was quick to announce that “Scotland has put it’s trust in the SNP to look after the interests of Scotland. And we must now return that trust and allow the people of Scotland to decide in it’s own Constitutional future.” He citied his first priority to push for a better deal in the Scotland Bill currently being shat on in Whitehall.
But David Cameron immediately demanded a camera be stuck in his face to declare war on Scotland. “I will crush that little bastard with every fibre of my lying evil body if Scotland thinks it’s leaving the union and taking it’s oil and whisky money with it!”, he was heard to say, just before a BBC journalist was brought out of a cupboard in 10 Downing Street. Cameron pledged to “beg for some more money” from the City of London’s stinking rich Hedge Fund managers in return for more tax breaks and less regulation, use it to hire professional liars, and convince the Scottish people that Independance would be a disaster for Scotland.
The same team that generated the lies about AV were rubbing there hands on their crotches and buttfucking each other into a frenzy last night at the thought of all that extra money, and immediately began work on the lies. Current ideas being floated are,
1. If Scotland get’s independance, Hadrians Wall will be rebuilt and horny Scotsmen won’t be able to use the likes of Newcastle and Blackpool for Stag Parties. Instead, they’ll have to party in Portobello.
2. Independence for Scotland will mean babies will be born with herpes.
3. Scottish Soldiers will have to goto Afghanistan wearing flip flops and will only have rocks to throw at Taliban insurgents if Scotland has independance.
Alex Salmond returned to Edinburgh from his Aberdeen constituency in Saltire 1 yesterday, sporting a smile that will be on his face 10years after he’s dead. He invited “That posh twat in Westminster” to stand on the Esplanade of Edinburgh Castle, stick his head between his legs and kiss his own arse. But some political pundits claimed that this was a line nicked from Braveheart and wasn’t a direct quote from the First Minister.
24th June 2014. That will be the date for the Referendum for which Scotland will be asked ‘Do you want Independance’? My reasoning behind this, is that it will be exactly 700 years from the date of The Battle of Bannockburn.